Part 2 - The Love Warrior: Day 31

Actualizată în: 16 Oct. 2020

For Day 28, please follow this link.

Dear Diary, Please help me out! My mind is fiery, My heart is so sad! Frustration and ager Have taken my peace... Dear Diary, what have I missed?

On the 25th of August I left my "perfect" future husband on one of the most beautiful beaches of Bulgaria, in one of the most beautiful 5 stars resort that he had rented for us, in one of those beautiful mornings after I actually woke up at 6:30 and did yoga on the sand, after having watched the most beautiful starry sky the previous night in his arms, because I could not take another humiliation again in my life... Instead of counting the 14th months together in just 2 days, on the 27th of August, I am now counting the days on from the break-up. And I had ups and downs. I felt immensely strong, but also immensely sad. And because of the sadness still existing in some days of my life, I decided to turn to writing, to alleviate the pain caused by the break-up...

Now, I already said it yesterday, but just in case you are wondering "Daiana, why are you writing here, on your website?", I will state it once more, PROUDLY, and I will tell you, at the end of today's article, why!

Why, even more today, than yesterday, I want to write it out, so the whole world knows about it, because I cannot believe what just happened to me tonight! Since I am one of those atypical life coaches and happiness coaches and yoga teachers that think that I should not run away from publicly writing on my blog just because some people know me and because I have a Facebook group with +750 women, and another page with over thousand likes, and over 3000 virtual friends and TV and radio appearances and all this nonsense I never care about, but I just know the numbers as a good online community manager that I am, I am writing now here, and not on any other hidden blog, under a hidden name or character - please remember this, because it is so important for the story that I am about to share tonight! And because I believe pain and suffering happens in life and because I also teach my students to go through it, not to hide it, here I am writing again - if it doesn't help anyone to learn from my story, at least it helps me stay sane and control my emotions when they go wild. And today, since it's once again passed midnight, today is the 31st day since my break-up, and I wanted to come to my serene blog and write what a wonderful and pain-free day I had.

How I went out with one of my girlfriend, M.P., loved the place and the music they had + the lovely carrot soup (it's called Restaurant-Grill Verdetei 5, near Popa Nan) and planned some future shootings and activities that I do, set up the Veg Friday for tomorrow and for the next weeks, visited my best friend, R., and enjoyed the sun and relaxed conversation with her... All good! Amazing, I'd say! I got home on such a high vibe, did my daily live at 9:30 PM on my private Facebook Group, shared the new channel of Andreea Marian on Instagram, about her new show on TVR1 - #nuexistanusepoate (look it up if you want, I will also be starred there soon). I looked up the words Happiness School as a future school I would love to implement, and found some interesting websites and programs for real schools - with one curriculum I even knew about, made in India. I had about 5-6 new great ideas and 1 amazing product discovery that helps people relax, for the corporate world or for home - I will let you know all about it once I talk to the CEO of the company on Monday, but it's really cool! I'd love to bring it to Romania or at least to make it here, to make our own... So one in one, my 31st day after the break-up would have been an amazing one. And I guess I have to say that day 30, meaning Thursday, September 24th, really was! I felt happy with myself, wholesome, not incomplete... I owe it to the energy doctor that I visit as well, I am sure.

I owe it to Carlos L'Abbate, whose interview on Monday made me feel so true to myself in relationships... I owe it to the deep shavasana I had on Wednesday, I am sure. I owe it to the beautiful events and the beautiful people that surround me and support me every day. I might even owe it to you, if you recently wrote to me and expressed how you felt about my current situation and encouraged me. And I am sure I owe it to the Goddess, to whom I daily pray for my happiness and for making my heart complete again! So day 30: thank you God and all humans beings and events, what a wonderful and generous day. And then, midnight comes...

And as I was searching for the domain "", I realized I was logged into his account. His, meaning my ex'es.

You know, the "perfect" one for whom I bought a wedding dress in about 1 month after I met him, to prove him that I was not the usual European women who would ever walk out of a relationship that in India is supposed to be for a life time. That was my insane level of trust!

Of trust, of love, of "meant to be" that was activated to my by a Western movie that I have actually took him to watch, on our second date... I still remember how be looked at me and said, as I was trying to explain that the movie was about a boy trying to prove to a women that 2 people can fall in love by answering 36 questions - science based.

And how she first said she didn't believe in job. She was only thinking out having a well-paid job and finishing a good degree. He, on the contrary, was a poet and a writer who didn't want to pursue the career that his Asian family had selected for him. But our roles were reverse: I was the poet, and A., not yet my lover by the time we were watching the movie, was like the girl: calculated, planned, not allowing himself to fall in love. And he told me: "I don't believe in love. I have never fallen in love". To which I said: "Then this movie really is for you!". And then one of us proposed to look up those questions and answer them after the movie - the "fall in love questions".

Mmm, no. Not one of us, but he proposed that. I was just thinking out it, be he actually said it... And so we did... and we went, that very night, home. To my home. Something I have never done in my mature life as a women, after coming back from India, but actually... not even before. I have never invited a man in my apartment, except my adopted son and my father, for more than a cup of tea and they must have been friends. After coming back from India, not even that. After organizing my house with Madalina Preda, definitely not and no chance for ANYONE coming into my sacred space. You see, I had a beautiful shrine in my living room. I had just set up my pink, princess bed. I had made a lot of space everywhere, after reorganizing my home under the guidance of my friend and now, suddenly, there was enough room for a man to enter my life. And so I did the unimaginable: I invited him over to my place. Because I wanted to be human, and not a European cold bitch. My mom knew I met him 2 days before and she has cooked something with chicken for him - I am a vegetarian, my mother never cooks meat for me. Since he was hungry, I offered him 2 options: to eat at the food court of the mall in which we were (after seeing the movie, as I said, on our 2nd time out), or to come to my place for some home-cooked food. And he preferred the second option. So I drove him home. To my home! To my sweet apartment not touched by any other stranger male presence ever. I was calm.... And we set on the same sofa that I am laying on right now, as I am writing these lines. And I was curious if he would still want to go through the 36 questions and he said. I think I even asked him: "do you still want to go through those questions of love?". And he agreed... He took out his iPhone, searched for them and there we were... talking about life, in all aspects of it. Passions, fears, challenges, family, values, things we might not have shared even with very close ones... It's funny, but I remember he answered "Narendra Modi" at the question about who he would like to meet in this life time, if he could meet anyone. And I said "Robin Sharma". And I found it so difficult to answer things at first, I was so nervous, all the butterflies in my stomach - not to mention I have not eaten ever since I had met him back them. I just could not eat, could not sleep, everything was upside down... I was on the edge.

I was just dreaming of the first time we met, of our encounter at the Greek restaurant downtown, of how our hands, as we were walking by, on the narrow paths of the Old Town, touched for just a fraction of a second, on that first night we met and talked for 4 hours... I had his hand engraved over mine for the rest of those days... I was so silly, I didn't even want to wash my hands after that first so-called "date" we had. It wasn't a date, we just met because of my yoga classes he wanted to attend and ended up talking to much and eating out. I still know every. single. detail about that evening and even night, when we first met: how he was dressed (top to bottom), how he smelled like, the conversation, his loud voice, his invitation out, my outfit, my earrings, the day of the week, the garden, the mosquitoes, the flowers, the table at the Gyros restaurant, the lady that came to our table at the restaurant with roses, who believed we were together, what we ordered and ate, how much it cost, how much he ate and I just pretended to eat, me driving him back to his apartment and asking questions to see if he lived alone, if he had a girlfriend or not yet, not knowing how to part...

But mostly, I remembered how our hands and arms met and coupled for a brief moment that night... that touch, ah! That was why I could not eat or sleep till our first date and even many, many days after that... I had not touched hands with a man in over 3.5 years and before that, I had just a hell of a so-called long-distant relationship that only a mad woman like me would have had the courage to put up with and even consider in her life as normality... Did I tell him about that abuse of my past life? No, it was not part of the 36 questions to fall in love - had it been, I might have told him everything about my past life. Or maybe not...

I wanted so badly to be happy in love with a man, and not just on my own... Not because I didn't feel OK with myself, but especially because I was so OK with myself that I thought allowing a new man in my life was a human right I should not renounce just because of my past.

Can you truly blame for that?

Can anyone blame anther being for putting the past behind in hopes of the happiness that we all deserve? So no, I didn't say a thing. Nothing was hurting me, from my past. Nothing of my past was in my heart anymore, for many, many years... I was alone, ready to love again and to allow myself to be fully loved... So I was literally back to my sweet 16, for the first time ever falling in love, for the first time in over 7 years actually hoping for real love, commitment, marriage and kids. Actually wanting "marriage and kids" was a first time for me. I wasn't sure if with him, but I was thinking that if he felt the same for me, the same innocence that I was feeling for him, than we were really into something big. Something I have been waiting for, for a life time...

Soon after those 36 questions answered the 2nd time we met, after the movie, we went on my balcony - please do not ask me for the name of the movie, I will never recommend it again! Had it not been for that movie... arh! I told him, that very night, that I had been through a lot of my life and that I really found it difficult to allow a man in my life. Not to mentioned I haven't even searched for one! As a matter of fact, I was seriously thinking about going to a monastery, to try that kind of life.

I was starting to believe love was not for me... I tried my best, in the past, to know myself deeply, not to go into a faulty relationship once more - I could not bare it - and look at me now! I confessed that I was still at the point where I could see him as a friend and that I wouldn't suffer at all if he didn't have the same strong feelings for me. I also told him he didn't meet me at the best time of my life, professionally speaking - I was just teaching the yoga classes then, in a nice rented space down-town, because I had to end my kindergarten contract due to the serious health problems that I had after working there - a reactivated chronic sinusitis that kept me on antibiotics, with no results, for 3 months in the past year. So I was having a break from any other jobs/contracts as a freelancer, but studying a lot of home, reading, going to swim at 5 AM and jogging and doing more yoga to get back my health. I remember very clearly how I looked at him in that dim light of my balcony and asked him: "Do you want me to scary you with something? But you might really run away....". He agreed to know what it was that I feared to share with him. So I told him that I had written a letter to Santa Clause during the Christmas time, in which I have asked for "My Ideal Husband with whom to have a family and kids". I wrote 8 pages in that letter, describing my ideal one and our relationship in all the details I could think of. He said he wanted to read it... I told him it was not handy and that I had to look for it - an organized apartment means you change the place of so many things, that you might actually forget where you put them, at the end. :) But he listened to all I had to say and then, I told him once more: "You are free to walk away and we may remain friends. I really like you, but you can go now and just be friends. I will not suffer at all". I was so honest... so pure in my thoughts, in my heart... that's something no reader will know and something he will never consider true, as a matter of fact... He just thinks I lied to him about my past. I wasn't in love with anyone else when I met him. I had not been in love for ages, as a matter of fact...

And then, all I know is that he hugged me. And I was numb! I could not feel a thing... I have not been touched by any man in over 4 years, actually. Not in a romantic way, in over 5.5 years - previous abuse doesn't count as romance, right? I just couldn't believe that all the butterflies in the stomach were gone. I panicked. I felt like a stone, like a rock. My arms around him didn't give me a feeling of peace, but of unknown. The body of another man I so much liked was a nightmare, a curse, not a bliss, as I would have hoped! I could not move, could not talk... I was so surprised and still numb... And then, he kissed me. It was the most awkward kiss of my life! I was not shaken by the closeness, by his soft and round lips, I was simply unable to feel a thing. So scared, I was so so scared inside! Allowing for someone new into my life, for a man in my apartment, for a hug and now for a kiss was simply too much in one single day for my mind and heart to cope with! I was literally going mad, thinking there must be something so wrong with me since I could not feel any excitement, any thrill, any life...

The kiss was like someone kissing an icon in the church - only the lips of the one praying to God move... I could not think a thing, I could not say a thing...

I just could not give into love anymore... I was just allowing for him to do what ever he wished, while I was on a silent moment of despair, thinking to myself:

"This is it, he just came too late in my life, I waited for too long, and now I am simply numb, I cannot open up my heart, I am truly afraid of loving another man again...". And then, something miraculously happened...

And as we returned to the sofa, he completely changed into the most adorable adolescent behaviour I have ever known - not that I could have compared him or his behaviour with anything else, not like that. Everything was so new to me! He was in such a joyful mood as we went into the kitchen because, guess what, that's why we were in my apartment after all! He was hungry when we left the cinema and that hunger was back again. On the other hand, I was so shy, so perplexed, so frustrated at the same time, thinking love was just near me, inches away, and I was already dead... And then the magic happened: he just hugged me from behind me, put his arms around my waist and slowly kissed my neck, caressing my hair, and that's when, for the first time, I actually began to feel alive again. I simply closed my eyes and let myself flow into LOVE... into my previous feelings for him multiplied 100 times! He turned me towards him and started kissing me hundreds of times! He seemed so happy, so alive, to warm and welcoming at the same time! I seemed to be the only women who could ever fit like that in his arms... I honestly don't know how I managed to heat up the food and probably he ate something and I think... yes, I think I had a bite of that bread, as he made me to eat it, just to please him and told me everything was fine and I should go back to my normal eating habits. But I was just feeding on love... Every kiss he gave me was another bite of love! And God only knows how hungry I was for love... Love used to be my reason for life! Governed by the planet Venus, I would have died for Love in past... Alone, I was perfectly fine. But now with him by my side, out of my scary numbness, I was getting back to life and to a natural wish for being held and cared for, in the purest way of love I ever thought about... And he was so childish, so like me in the past... I remember clearly how put my head on his arms, on his chest, on his lap and for the first time, God only knows in how many years, if ever, because everything felt like for the very first time, I had the idea to play music and put on some candle lights. I played the music I had played after meeting him that first night. I have not listed to love songs in ages, since a teenager, I guess... Jamie's Cullum last album had just been released - and I had found that just 3 days before, when we first met, or course. Don't imagine I was playing love songs alone, before. No, I was just into the traditional yoga music of flute, bansuri and into classical music to study and work. I wanted him to hear the songs I listened to after the night we first met... I must have played them all, just for us... He told me was not good at music, not a big fan. I could not have cared less. And this is what was on repeat that night, as it is now: Love Is In The Picture. I was he the happiest then, and the saddest now... The same soft blue sofa cover was that night on the floor, so we could lie on it. And he held me exactly how I wanted my ideal man to hold me! He had all the right words, he knew we were supposed to get married in December 2020, as he wished for. Maybe it will happen for him after all, who knows... He still has 2 months to find his perfect wife that I never was. I even asked him if we could make love after the marriage, as I do not want to risk another broken heart of mine. And he smiling said: "of course, if that is what you truly wish for, we can wait for that". Imagine that to my ears! To my heart! A man willing for wait for you to blossom, to feel safe and sound, to regain your trust that you could be loved again with the same intensity that you know you would love for life.... Out of a romance movie, that's what I thought.

But I believed him! Every word he said, I never doubted. We went once more on the balcony that night, he said he loved the trees from outside. It was at that moment and I told him I would do, once more and only in the name of the Love that governs my zodiac sign and my whole being, that I would give him my full trust - as I have only given to my first high school love and as you might guess, it ended badly for me. But now, 17 years later, I was ready to say "100% trust" once again to a person I had met only twice. Because I believed in my right to be happy no matter what...

It was getting late, that night, and I asked him if he wanted to go home or stay over for the night. He was so innocent that I never thought anything could go anything different than what I wanted to happen: sleep in his arms. He misunderstood my question, didn't hear it well, and told me "home". From which I understood he wanted to go home and I remember the first time I really became mature and confident as a women and scolded him a bit: "I just offer YOU the change to spend the night in my pink bet, which no one has ever even seen, and you want to go home?". And we both laughed and realized the mistake. Can you believe I am still smiling while writing all this, being in the same living room where everything happened, a little bit over 1 year ago? And by "you", I mean my Higher Self - because the only people who will actually read what I am writing now are the ones that will buy the book. I am writing a novel, of course, not merely a blog. I wonder how to call the book... "The Love That Almost Killed Me" - too tragical. "How No To Fall In Love As I Did" - too sad and hopeless, not me at all. "Love Lessons From My Life" - should I include them all, in this case? Anyway, I will think about it... Or maybe I should call it "How To Realize When You Are Into An Abusive Relationship And Go". Or "How To Leave Your Husband And Still Survive". Because he really was the husband to me. From that night, when he agreed to sleep in my pink bed... I cannot express the whole magic of that moment - not even the most talented writer could, I guess.

But I remember it ALL, once again, as if watching a movie on a screen right now. How he went to the bathroom, how I changed in my white night dress as he did, feeling a bit nervous because I didn't have a lock to my room. When he returned and was ready to sleep, I asked him if I should look for something for him to sleep in. And we both laughed again... I really didn't have any male items home, not even loose T-shirts of mine that I could think of. I wanted him to sleep comfortably, not in an office shirt (although it was a Sunday night, he was coming from work), so I say, in the calmest and most neutral way, without any double entendre: "A., you may remove your shirt if you wish, I am OK with it". But I knew my voice was shaking. And he again said the perfect thing for me: "no, Dai, I really don't want to make you feel uncomfortable around me". My God... melted once more! And then we went to bed, although only he has fallen asleep holding me and waking up at times, asking me to pinch him so he knew it wasn't just a dream. I just admired his smile, whenever I could see his face and hold him in my arms in return. He was tired and slept. I was tired and could not sleep at all... And he said it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened in his life and that he somehow knew he was not going to marry an Indian girl...

And I was, probably, as we all say when we love, the happiest woman alive...

31 days after the break-up, after I left the one who was supposed to be the last man in my life, I end up in his GoDaddy account, where his website was. And by no reason at all, I get this feeling of digging around... My hurt feelings are giving me all sorts of ideas: "hmm, I have access to his website, what should I do now? Delete it, maybe? Change his DNS? Make him suffer a little bit as he made me suffer when I was with him? Hurt him where he could be hurt the most?" - in his job/career that is, never in love! Just momentarily thoughts, of course... The next thing I know, I am logging out. I really didn't want to be in his account, it automatically happened, so I didn't plan it at all. His website seemed normal, all in place. I noticed how he didn't change his cover picture, although it was taken by me, in one of our trips. And I know how he hurried into changing his WhatsApp picture as soon as I left him, the next day, just because it was taken by me. And he went back to his initial, first picture after landing in Bucharest. As if nothing ever happened, as if I never even existed in his life - just as he made me feel even during the relationship, although I have begged him to stop ignoring me as a human being for months before the break-up. 5 months, to be precise.

And then, something tells me to just open his website and have a look at the blog. Which I did. And I couldn't believe my eyes... First, I wanted to see if he has continued writing during this time, as he used to invest daily time into writing for Medium and posting on the blog. I was always the last thing on his list every day, so I remember this clearly: he wouldn't talk to me in bed until he finished his writing. Or do anything that involved me, until his to-do list was completely cleared off. He was very particular about writing so I got curious this time. And this is the ONLY time after the break-up, 31 days ago, that I ever searched anything that had to do with him only. Although without wanting, I found out that he went to Sibiu 2 weekends after our break-up. Otherwise, I have unfollowed him, blocked him, erased his number, unfriend him and block him on social media, got rid of all the pictures in the phone, all the emails deleted, everything he did with me ("Daiana doesn't exist mode"), I now did with him. Because I didn't want to ever be tempted to write back to him, to ask him to rekindle the love etc. No, that was out of the question for me, for good and possibly, for life.

And just as I was thinking daily that although we had so many amazing memories, he never really understood me and loved me for who I was, today I found this on his blog: Two articles. First, published on September forth, using a cover picture that I took for him in another one of our trips where he made me feel so miserable, that I need another 5 pages to write just about that moment alone. The picture he used for his article, called "We Live In A World Created By Ourselves", was from the trip he ended up with: "And you should never ever kidnap me on a surprise trip again. From now one, you have to ask for my permission about how to spend my weekends because this was a completely wasted one for me". I could not even say a word after that... We were, indeed, in a bad moment of our relationship (can't even remember why) and I wanted to make it happy again, so I had secretly moved the mountains in 1 day and took him to one of the most romantic hidden cottages in the mountains... paid for it all, as a gift, of course... and that was what I got for my +$200 in return... Note to self: I don't even know what to put! "Don't fall in love", maybe? "Don't try to solve problems that you didn't create"? Anyway, let's get back to the post that I deliberately adding some SEO through my backlink now. So I started reading the post and please read along with me, because here comes the tormenting part:

Do you get it or not? He is actually talking about himself as another person from whom he had something to learn. He was the one having the ideal life.

I was the one he was living with - the girlfriend (please note how I was just girlfriend, never future wife etc.). I mean many details here have been omitted, considering he told me, in our last holiday, just days before the break-up, that were going to get married the next year. And he described me as he used to describe me to myself even when we were together "tall, smart, beautiful". OK, but so many other women are just the same, how was I special to him in any way? Not only that I wasn't, but let's see to what conclusions "his friend" came after 10 days after the brake-up, as he was already in Sibiu, talking some time off to feel nice about his perfect life again:

I am not sure if number 2 is about me also, because I was not so important in his life - that I can tell you for sure.

But point number 3 (my lucky number 3, how sad!) really is about and let me copy paste it here again: "You get stuck in a toxic relationship thinking about how your partner would feel if you broke up. Later, partner leaves regardless without considering your feelings, because the relationship was not going anywhere. Heard of it?" - Abhijeet Anand He was stuck?! In a toxic relationship with me?! My God... And now I had to find out, from his blog, that he was kind enough to think about my feelings actually! That's why he didn't want to leave me, he preferred to simply humiliate and put me down for whatever nonsense, whenever pleased, tell me how I was lost and didn't do anything in my life, how I had no career, no perspective, how I was simply not good enough for him. Because I was just "tall, smart and beautiful", just a girlfriend he lived with, nothing special. "Partner leaves regardless..." not because the relationship was not going anywhere, but because she could not accept one more put-down again! Because you told her, in the most beautiful place in the world, in the most beautiful holiday you should have had, that she was worthless and she should ask for your permission if she ever wanted to talk again to you! I am very sure I was toxic to you, because you were just using me. I was no longer convenient and you were waiting for the perfect moment to go back to India as if nothing ever happened here, with me. When you do not love, of course you don't want the relationship anymore... I was the only one crying for you to be as you were at the beginning. For months!

And to complete my anger and frustration for tonight, here comes the 2nd blog, just as evil as the first one, with more "lessons from life from Abhijeet Anand" - yes, I am doing a lot of SEO for my ex-boyfriend as you may see... I am getting smarter each day! From the blog: A Better Human, by Abhijeet Anand, on Medium

That was me, you see? From not loving at all, as he first told me, and not even believing in love, I got the memories from which I poured 2 book chapters and he got to the conclusion that he should have stayed back from me 5x5. Not from literally me, but from love at first sight. But how could I not take personally, when I know it's about me? He said I was smart, I better be... So he was a fool to fall for me at the first sight, he repented, I was evil and manipulated him. Into what, I would so much love to know... Because I had no benefits out of him. He didn't build me a house, he didn't get me a car, he just paid for the things around the house, a house that his company paid for + expenses. So yes, thank you for shopping for the grocery most of the times, dear, that's what I really wanted in life! In the past months, I was carrying all the shopping bags alone anyway, just as I did when I as single, so... not a big help there anymore. But I am sure he didn't mean to use the word "to manipulate", because he tends to confuse the meanings of some English words, which I was lovingly correcting every time, for his improvement, not mine. What he might have meant was "seduced into", "deceived by". Which he truly believes in his mind! He thinks I lied to him with an evil purpose, he thinks I was into some game of hurting him or something like that... I am not sure, but he definitely didn't see me for what I was. As a result, this blog... And the fact that he never wanted me back. He only wants his hard drive back and my phone to work for him, as it remain connected to my Mac. As a matter a fact, I am sure he was relieved that I moved out. I, on the other hand, realized, while moving out in one night, that I had moved half of my house to his place, just because he requested me to do so in the past. "Dai, you already have those things in your apartment, why buy new ones". I think I was the one manipulated into forgetting the laws of really being smart and realistic in case of break-up. Which break-up, baby? - I am asking myself now. I never saw any break-up coming, I was ready to move to India after my loved one, who just wrote how love at first sight is just big mistake. Amazing, thank you for letting me know after 13 months!

In a blog post! Couldn't you have saved me some 11 months of my life? Couldn't you have just said, after the first semi-break-up that you do not see me as a good person and let me go on with my life? Why abuse me for another 11 months, punish me with every occasion about how I lied to you about my past and then pretend you are a wise guru at the age of 30, giving lessons about life? Of course I am mad! Because I am ALL about being authentic! This is what I teach my students, this is what I do in life since I was little! I am all about admitting how you feel, about sharing the real you, not just a mascaraed for the outside world, so people can say "oh, look happy they are". When I am crying at home and I have to go out, I want to go out and say: "you know what, today I have been crying and I am not so well now. And that is all. Now let's do our stuff, I will be OK later on". Being human requires a lot of guts! That's why the self exploration, that's why it is not everything just about the job and the checks in the bank, and the family and the people around. Life is about being truthful to yourself, no matter what. So you can get up the next morning and still feel proud about yourself, either you woke up at 5 AM or you didn't sleep at all. And when I realized I wasn't proud of how I was allowing to be treated anymore, I left. Before closing that hotel door, I imagined myself in India, with him and kids... and I saw myself unable to speak a word in from of my kids. I would have been always considered "the bad one", "the unworthy one", "the sinner", "the liar", "the lost one". I am 100% sure he would have never married me. He was just waiting for the right moment to get out of Romania and that would have been the end.

As he never moved one inch towards me whenever we had a fight, he would have put his armor and killed my love in a single, straight shot.

That' why my previous article was called "The Love Warrior". Because Love needs to defend herself somehow. When at war, someone has to protect this Love as well - that's what I thought! And since without self love you cannot love anyone, anymore, anyhow, I really had to stand-up for my self love. I was not loved by my partner for a long time and I knew it. I hoped he would love me again, while I continued to love him just as much. Yes, I might not have always been the nicest and sweetest lover for him at times, but that was only AFTER he hurt me bad enough - which often happened, unfortunately. I continued to stay, to pray, to hope for a better day, for the beginnings. I was told nothing had changes. I was called insane, needy and never good enough for him... I was giving tasks and to-do's that seems like orders, like an disrespectful manager hiring me and looking down on me all the time, not like a lover wanting to fall back into my love and make me forget the pain he had put me through. I have done the same mistake of my life: giving him the power to make happy, from sad. A power he never used... I really mean never! It was only me getting back to him after every dispute, it was only me making him laugh and saying "we should make love instead of an war each time". Do not do this, if it ever happens to you, in your life. Leave while you still have your dignity untouched. Leave because if he really loves you, we will come back to you instantly and tell you, from his heart: "sweetheart, I am so sorry for what happened, that was not me, I was just angry and I am so so sorry, I really want you back, you are my whole life". I never got to hear that from my partner... not once! And to make it even worst for my stomach tonight, I had to read, in his blog, how he tells others to: 1. "Never stop learning- take skills courses and not necessarily degrees". - I was always ridiculed when I did. 2. "Travel, solo or with an expectation to explore and experience the places." - he appeare as solo in all of his pictures, that's why he says this, because no one knows I ever existed for him. 3. "Learn to live alone- the easier you get with yourself, the better you become in managing emotions." - again a huge lie for the audience, he never lived alone in Romania, just 2 days and now, probably. 4. "Build networks and deep relationships- have at minimum 5 people to whom you can turn to in case of help. One of them has to be someone you can trust blindly." - I was not one of the 5. 5. "Learn one of the three skills: dance, music or standup. They will help you differentiate yourself in a gathering where your achievements can’t." - because you always have to be better than others, right? Competition is a sign of performance for him, whereas a weakness for me... 6. "Speak wisely, words are like naked swords, once they hit you can only medicate". - my God, I could kill him saying for this! How mindful I was to never say something wrong to him and how he killed even the dearest chapters of my life with him with rough words! And now he is preaching wisely speaking... How I wish I could take him to court! :)) 7. "Treat everyone with love and compassion: people remember how you treat them and how they felt with you. Apply this in all spheres of life, not to mention with the people who decided to part ways with you or vice versa." - does love and compassion mean you send your "girlfriend" and ultimatum, demanding her to choose from 2 options: 1. come pick her wedding dress "by tomorrow" or 2. "I will decide what to do with your things"? Or does it fall under the term "please" you once used in an email to ask me to unlock my phone for you? 8. "Have a direction in life with an estimated deadline, not necessarily everything sorted in between. Allow life to flow." - you must be kidding me! To flow? Like the yoga word "to flow"? Like my advice to you and to all the people I coach? To just flow? Whereas you are so on deadlines all the time? Oh, wait, I got it: your parents didn't come to Romania this year, you didn't have to hide me in the basement of my yoga studio, OK... and COVID-19 happen and you are also not getting married in December 2020 as planned. Auch! That must be painful, to be out of your calendar an productivity list... 9. "Never trust only words but always observe closely the actions. Words are more manipulative than actions." - I feel this one is for me, again. 10. Keep a journal. Will help you track how your thoughts evolved over the years at the minimum. Trust me, looking back is fun. Do I need to tell you the upsides?" - are we a bit arogant here, dear? Something from your past about me in that journal of yours maybe, that moved you from the nice words into a bit of sourness? 11. Read, weekly if not daily. - he should have added "read even if your tall and smart and beautiful girlfriend is crying because you never make the time for her or because you ignored her all day long". 12. "Connect with nature. Walk barefoot, breathe fresh air, take early morning walks or glare at the stars. The more you do this, the more blessed you feel." - here I could put him against the wall once more because, hey! Who used to run barefooted in the park? Only me! Who used to glare at the stars, while you said it felt depressing for you because it reminded you of you childhood, when you had to sleep outside, on a terrace so hot and full of mosquitoes all night long... OK, another lie. 13. "Have a mentor in life. Someone who can hear your views, understand yourself situation and offer unfiltered advice" - and you mentor was....? You only had a professional one and you were not quite happy with that man. And you rejected the idea of learning from others. You were your own mentor in any field, as far I know. 14. "Never judge people based on their past but also don’t ignore the past. 99% of the times you cannot change the inherent personality of a person after the age of 15." - that is me again, 100%! When I talked to him about my past, he quickly concluded, not knowing human psychology at all (not blaming him, just observing), that I was very unhappy until I was 15 or so. For the reference, it has to do with the age of 5 - not my age of 5, but every person's age of 5 and how they understand the world by then: safe or unsafe, loving or unloving etc. And yes, YOU cannot change other people's mindset (inherent personality doesn't even exist, except if we talk about the DNA factor), but other people can change it for themselves through yoga, meditation, martial arts, Transactional Analysis and other therapy forms. 15. "A truth not told is a lie. If you want to protect any kind of your relationship, be truthful to that person. A harsh truth will be like a sharp cut but will heal fast and a lie found later will be a wound that may only lead to more infections." - me again, guilty as charged! It's funny to see how many things he has learned just by being with me for 13 unfortunate months. But we have another problem here: after I have lied, by not telling the complete truth about an abusive relationship from my past, that really had nothing to do with my love for him, he accepted to love and offered to save me from the evil past and to make me the happiest woman alive. Wounds? What wounds, I believed him when he said he has put it all behind and that we should start fresh, once again, on the 12th of September last year, right? Does it ring a bell of the "saviour role" that men sometimes play for their partners, just for a short while? And when they think the "big bad wolf" is gone, they abuse the women just as much in all sorts of ways? Because I rembember how I was prosecuted every 2-3 months with "I know what you did, you better admit you taked to that man again!". You can't imagine how I used to laugh, but at the same time feel really sad and understand that my love never cured his wounds. Which can only mean his wounds were rooted somewhere else in his past with women, relationships, family or just people around... Sad for both of us. And he ended the article with "I would love to hear your lessons too. Write in the comments if you want to share some of your own." I am still debating: write there, in the comments, or just put a link there of a future article I will myself write, as my birthday is coming soon as well? I think the second option sounds fair. I will create my own version of "33 Lessons That I Learnt in 33 Years". Not to compete with him, no. Not to prove him a point, not to draw his attention to me or anything like that. I will simply write because I am a writer with 3 extra years of experience than he has, who when in pain or not, really speaks the whole truth and nothing but the truth, for the sake of my Soul who has to leave this body one day and I wouldn't like my "little mind" to keep it from doing that. And because I am on mission of never again being a passive-agressive person, who swallows her words and never speaks back, nor a woman who doesn't defend her self-love and feminie pride. Being a Love Warrior is the sweetest thing I have ever done in my life for myself! Not taking a word or a step back anymore. If this is what it takes to defend myself, I am happy to go through anything. I honestly and from all my heart, mind and soul loved! For me, it was not a "as seen on the TV" thing at all. I was ready to do anything for the one I loved, provided he just treated me with at least the respect I had for him. But if you give such advice to the world, you being the one that has never even loved before, then this is what you get in return. Someone has to stand up for real Love from time to time, I believe... Proudly, Daiana The Love Warrior P.S.: this is a manuscript. All orthography errors are typos from not having done the spell-check yet. Thank you for bearing with me!

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